


What Would You Have Wanted To Do?

by clarako_ (CoNic18)



Category: The Resident (TV 2018)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:48:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25826182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoNic18/pseuds/clarako_
Summary: This is the first of three chapters in this little series! Nic has some ~unexpected~ news for Conrad, but things take a turn when they lose something that leaves the two of them forever changed. Set sometime before season 1, when Nic and Conrad were together in a relationship for the first time.I hope you enjoy!Content warning: blood (brief mention), anxiety, lossI do not own these characters, and certain italicized text is quoted from The Resident directly.
Relationships: Conrad Hawkins/Nicolette Nevin
Comments: 13
Kudos: 43





	1. Empty

“I don’t understand,” Nic whispered. “You’re saying…” she trailed off, tears filling her eyes as her voice broke.

“Nic, is there any possibility you could be…” Mina asked, her hand on Nic’s shoulder, trying to show she was there for her. Emotional conversations were not her forte, but this was Nic, one of her closest friends and colleagues at Chastain. And she wanted Nic to know that she was there to support her, unconditionally.

Nic put her hand up to her mouth, trembling as tears fell from her eyes onto her scrub bottoms. _There is no way,_ she thought. _Conrad and I were always so careful. I can’t possibly be…_

“Nic…” Mina began again. “We are all here for you no matter what.”

“I need to take a test,” Nic whispered, completely expressionless.

“I can run your bloodwork quickly as a Jane Doe,” Mina said reassuringly, trying to do all she could to help Nic through this. “Let me get a kit,” she added, and Nic nodded, remaining completely devoid of emotion.

As Mina left the room, tears fell freely from Nic’s eyes. Her mind was blank, and she felt her sense of reality slipping away. Her heart pounded loudly in her ears, and her vision was out of focus. She closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths, trying to calm herself. _Just breathe_ , she thought. _Everything is going to be okay._ She tried to distract herself by looking around at the New Year’s decorations around the hospital, but nothing was going to take her mind off of this.

Mina returned with two vials, a needle, and some tubing, ready to draw Nic’s blood. Everything seemed to happen in a blur, Nic unable to comprehend anything that was going on. She needed to hear the results. That was the only thing that would break her trance. But she was afraid she already knew what the tests would say. She was late. And she was never late.

Mina left again, expediting Nic’s bloodwork as she saw her falling apart more by the second. She needed to know. It was killing her.

“Here you are, Dr. Okafor,” a nurse said kindly, handing Mina a tablet with the blood results.

“Thank you,” Mina replied, not looking at the results herself.

Mina walked back into the room with Nic, and she found her in the exact same position as when she left. It was heartbreaking to see her this nervous. When some people felt extremely uneasy, they shook or trembled or made some sort of movement or sound, but with Nic, it was a terrifying stillness. It was as if she tried to pause everything until she could resolve the uncertainty. Her chocolate eyes which were usually so full of life and light were dim and clouded with tears. It was a truly tragic image. She looked broken and she didn’t even know what the results said yet. It was like she already knew. And subconsciously, she did.

Mina handed Nic the results, and within a few seconds, Nic closed her eyes.

“This isn’t happening,” Nic whispered, looking up to meet Mina’s eyes as tears streamed down from her own. “How is this possible?” she cried.

“We all know that nothing is 100% effective—” Mina started, sitting down next to Nic.

“Why me? Why us? We were so happy. What if Conrad doesn’t want it? What if he blames me? Oh God, this is my fault,” Nic interrupted, putting her face in her hands.

“This isn’t your fault, Nic. Don’t blame yourself. And you don’t know what his reaction is going to be. It won’t necessarily be negative. But he does deserve to know,” Mina assured, rubbing her hand back and forth across Nic’s shoulder.

Nic cried. She couldn’t believe this was happening. She let her emotions take over, and she poured them out. After a few minutes of tears, she finally felt herself coming back to reality, and she spoke. “You’re right,” Nic sniffled. “I’ll tell him after my shift.”

“Nic, you’re going home right now,” Mina protested, furrowing her brow.

“I’m fi—” Nic began.

“No, you’re not,” Mina interrupted. “And it’s okay that you’re not right now. You don’t have to be fine all the time. But you will be. Trust me. You’re strong. But please take the rest of the day off. I can take care of finding somebody for your patients. Don’t worry, I have a slow day. I’ll drive you home, and you rest.”

Nic inhaled and exhaled deeply. “Okay,” she whispered, standing up and grabbing her bag. Her brain went from completely shut down to racing at a million miles an hour. She didn’t have the energy to argue with Mina.

_She didn’t have the energy to argue with me,_ Mina thought. _This must be hitting her extremely hard. I hope I did the right thing sending her home._

“Thank you, Mina. For everything. I don’t know how I could ever repay you,” Nic whispered, tears falling down her cheeks again.

“Please, Nic. No need to thank me. Or repay me. You do so much for everyone. It’s about time for others to take care of you,” Mina replied, her eyes conveying the truth and emotion in her statement.

This sentiment moved Nic immensely. She knew how difficult it was for Mina to show her emotion, so seeing it so pronounced for her meant the world. Nic stepped towards Mina and gave her a tight hug, shuddering and crying into her embrace.

The next moments––leaving Chastain, getting into her car, and driving home––all seemed fuzzy. Nic felt as though she was in a dream. It was as if she was experiencing her reality and her life from an outside perspective, having it simply happen to her as she took it in. There were forces so much larger than her that were dominating her life, and she no longer felt in control. She felt passive. Even her sensations felt dull. The feeling of the seatbelt rubbing her neck, her foot tapping nervously on the floor of the car, the slight squeal of the breaks as the car slowed––the familiarity in all of these actions and feelings was gone. Everything felt foreign. Everything was unfamiliar to her. She stepped out of the car and thanked Mina for driving her home in a weak, quiet voice, then she stood on her front porch until she could no longer feel her fingers from the cold. The sun was beginning to set, and she could see her breath in front of her. Yet she was glued to her place, completely unable to move. Her body felt as though it wasn’t truly hers––unfamiliar––and she felt sick from her nerves.

As she noticed the shift in light and temperature, she glanced down at her watch. _7:00_ , she thought, _Conrad is probably done with his shift and at the New Year’s party._ He’d probably call her when he noticed she wasn’t there, but she really wanted this conversation to happen in her control. It was one of the only things she felt like she had any kind of control over in this moment. She reached into her bag and pulled out her phone, her fingers barely able to work. She was slightly shivering as she called Conrad’s number, his contact appearing at the top of her “favorites” list. He picked up after just one ring, his voice holding a swelling of concern.

“Hey, is everything okay? I was just about to call you because I didn’t see you here at the party,” he began.

“H-hey…” she said, her voice breaking and stuttering.

“Nic?” he replied, the concern growing. “Where are you? Are you safe?”

“I…” she began, but she couldn’t say anything else. She began crying, hot tears sliding down her cool cheeks. “I’m… home… I’m… safe… but… I… need… you,” she added, her crying interrupting her words as she drew in breaths sharply.

“I’ll be right there. I’m going to stay on the phone the whole time, Nic. I’m here for you,” he replied as he started putting on his coat and grabbing his helmet and bike. He rushed out of the building, putting his headphones in so he could stay on the phone with Nic. He was extremely worried, listening to her crying over the phone.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered into the phone, her breath hitching as a gust of cold wind blew across her face.

“Nic, you have nothing to apologize for,” he began. “Wait, are you outside right now?”

She was silent.

“Nic, it’s freezing. If you can, you should go inside,” he said, sadness seeping through his voice. “I’m coming.”

It was a sobering sadness. It drove Nic to find her keys and finally open her door and step into her house, away from the chill of the winter night. She sighed as the coldness started to release its grip from around her body.

Conrad heard the keys unlock her door and Nic sighing as she entered her living room. “I’m almost there,” he began. “How are you feeling right now?”

“Better,” she breathed, closing her eyes as she dropped her bag onto the ground and took off her coat.

He was racing through the streets of downtown Atlanta, trying to get home to Nic as fast as he possibly could. He was breathing hard, his heart thumping loudly in his ears, and the cold wind nipped at his face and hands. But nothing was stopping him from seeing her. She began to cry again, her soft whimpers propelling him to ride even faster. Within a couple of minutes, Conrad pulled up to Nic’s house. “I’m here,” he breathed. “I’m here, Nic.”

The front door was slightly cracked open, and he pushed it all the way open to find Nic standing in her living room holding her phone by her ear, her gaze locked on the floor. She dropped her phone and reached for him, holding him tight in her arms as she let her tears soak his shirt. He just kept her in his embrace, stroking her hair softly as she cried.

Minutes passed, and the living room grew dark. Nic’s sobs turned into sniffles as she finally was able to gain control over her emotions. She shifted her head so she looked into Conrad’s eyes, and they both watched each other for a moment. Conrad noted how puffy her eyes had become, her hair out of place, her mascara running down her cheeks in thin black streaks, and his heart broke for her. Nic watched him become crushed and saddened at her state, and she knew that this was torturous for both of them.

“Conrad, I,” she began, pausing to take a breath. He just held her close, letting her know that he was there for her. “I found something out today, and I really needed to tell you.”

“Anything,” he responded, breathless. “I am here for you, through anything. You know that, right?” he reassured.

It was that statement combined with the look in his eyes that finally gave her the confidence to utter the words she hadn’t ever said out loud, even to herself. “There’s no easy way to say this. And I’m sorry,” she started, pausing momentarily as she prepared herself. “I’m, um, I’m… pregnant, Conrad. I know this is not something we planned––” she began again, her voice wavering and nervous.

He pulled her in close, wrapping his arms around her softly. He was shocked––partially from the news of Nic carrying their child, but also because of how completely freaked out she was about this and about telling him. “Nic, we’re a team. _We will get through this_. Please don’t apologize to me. I know that we haven’t talked about a family, and hell, we aren’t even married, but I am committed to you. We’re in this together. I am here. I always will be here,” he replied, pulling her out of his embrace and looking directly into her eyes, making sure she understood that he was fully committed to her and to this.

Nic closed her eyes and allowed a small smile to ease onto her face. “This is just so unexpected, and I didn’t know how you were going to react. I mean, our careers are just beginning, and we’re so new. There’s so much I didn’t think I would be ready for. But I think together, _we_ could do this,” she added, sliding her hands up his chest and around his neck. She sniffled but didn’t feel tears coming. This felt like relief. Sure, it was scary as all-get-out, but as a _team_ , Conrad and herself could get through anything. And simply knowing that he was committed to her, and the fact that this didn’t scare him away, showed just how strong their connection had become.

“Is there anything I can get you right now? When was the last time you had something to eat?” he asked, so much care and kindness in his words and eyes.

She simply melted at this gesture, but her heart nearly exploded when his hand wandered to her still-flat stomach, lifting her shirt slightly so his hand made direct contact with her skin. She let out a soft breath and replied “I am actually a little hungry right now. I don’t really remember what happened today, let alone what I ate. Ever since I got my bloodwork back in the afternoon, it’s all I’ve been thinking about.”

“I can make you anything you want,” he added, kissing her forehead as her fingers combed through his hair. He wanted to get her mind off of this for a brief moment so she was surely taken care of. He couldn’t bear the thought of Nic in any kind of pain or trouble.

“I think I still have some soup in the fridge from the other night. Do you want to share that with me?” she asked.

“I’d love to, if that’s what you want,” he replied.

“I’ll grab it,” she said, kissing his cheek before she stepped into the kitchen.

Conrad watched her, not yet having time to emotionally process the fact that they were going to have a baby. At first, his chest felt tight––like things were falling apart––but now, he felt warmth. He knew Nic was the love of his life, and although the timing was certainly not ideal, he’d always imagined that he and Nic would start a family. He was lost in his thoughts when he noticed something seemed a little off.

“Hey, Nic, are you feeling okay?” he asked, the worry shooting back into his voice.

“Actually… I don’t really feel so good––” she began before she was cut off by an extreme sharp pain in her abdomen. She screamed, and within milliseconds, Conrad was right next to her, helping her to lay down on the kitchen floor. “Conrad… what’s happening?” she asked panicked, through labored breathing.

“Nic, just breathe,” he replied calmly, trying not to cause any more alarm as he reached to dial 911.

“Conrad––” she started again before being interrupted again by a wave of agony. “Oh my God,” she panted, feeling fluid between her legs.

“Nic…” he replied again, noting that she was bleeding.

The whole world appeared to slow then. Time seemed to stop. Both of their eyes met in panic and utter sadness. Tears were streaming down Nic’s cheeks, at first out of pain, but shortly after, it was solely emotional. They both knew what was happening, and it hurt—emotionally, psychologically—more than either thought possible. He didn’t end up calling emergency services. They both knew this was a miscarriage.

Empty. That’s all she felt. _How can you miss something you never really had?_ she asked herself. They shared all of five minutes of this new chapter in their lives before it was torn brutally, ruthlessly from their book. From her body. She curled over away from Conrad, feeling weak, vulnerable, and ashamed.

“Oh my God, I am so sorry,” he whispered.

She cried as the cool, hard floor sucked the heat and life from her body. Conrad placed his hand on her shoulder and the other stroked gently through her hair as they remained there on the floor.

Suddenly, she sat up, wiping her eyes and smearing the little black streams all over her cheeks. “I have to get to Chastain,” she said, her voice wavering.

“I’ll drive,” he added, still holding her. “Nic, are you—” he began.

“I’m fine, Conrad,” she said, her voice cold and devoid of emotion. “I just need to go to Chastain.”

“Okay, we can do that,” he replied, his tone still reassuring and kind.

She stood gently, gingerly, and she looked so fragile. She didn’t want to rely on Conrad, but she leaned against him as they walked to her car. Her mind was completely blank again, her body feeling foreign in a whole new way. The idea of pregnancy was scary, but the concept of losing the baby was something beyond words. It was horrifying. She felt nothing. Empty. The ride to Chastain was completely silent, their thoughts whirling like the crisp winter air, leaving no room for speaking.

A rush of words, motions, monitors, scans, and tests followed their arrival at the hospital, and Nic remained painfully quiet the whole time.

“Unfortunately, it does appear that you have miscarried,” the OB said, a hint of sadness in her voice as she watched Nic react.

“So that’s it then,” Nic whispered. “I lost the baby.” She didn’t hear anything the OB said after that. She couldn’t even meet Conrad’s eyes. _Five minutes_ , she thought, _that’s all the time we knew about the baby together, as a family._ She felt sick.

Conrad was hanging onto every word the OB said, holding Nic’s hand in his even when she wasn’t holding his hand back. She was prescribed some medication to help the pregnancy pass, but she was completely unresponsive to what was going on. She was stuck in a moment in time. Frozen.

They made their way back to Nic’s house, again completely surrounded by silence. As Conrad helped her into the living room, she completely lost it, unable to control her emotions any longer. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered as she began to cry, sinking down onto the floor. “I should have—” she began before Conrad interrupted.

“Nic, _the miscarriage isn’t your fault_ ,” he replied. “ _There is nothing you or anyone could have done. These things—they just happen, and no one knows why._ ”

She threw her arms around him as she sobbed into his chest, soaking the same spots she did before she told him she was pregnant, except this time she was empty instead of nervous. She had never felt anything like this before. Emptiness was only able to describe a fraction of it. She also felt numb. The only thing she could feel was Conrad’s touch, his breath, his heat.

He held her until she finally got her breathing under control and the tears slowed. She was still bleeding, still in pain, but nothing could compare to the emotional rollercoaster, exhaustion, and trauma that she had been through today. Conrad so desperately wanted to be there for her, but he was still in shock himself. _Five minutes_ , he thought to himself, _five minutes was all we had_. He was so worried for her, knowing that miscarriages—especially the first—are extremely tough events to have to endure, and he had never seen her so distraught. The possibility of a family—a future—was right in their hands, and it was taken away just as quickly as it was given to them. But this was nobody’s fault. Life works in mysterious ways, testing all of us along our paths. He held her in his arms, closing his eyes and allowing himself to silently cry with her. Her breathing slowed, and she seemed to have fallen asleep—most likely out of sheer exhaustion. Conrad scooped her up gently and carried her to her bed, placing her down gently and snuggling up next to her.

She thought that whole day was a nightmare, but when she woke up the next morning in her clothes from the day before, Conrad’s arms around her, and tears stained down both of their faces, she knew it was unfortunately very real. She woke up early, knowing she had to go to work, but Conrad pulled her back, stirring as he woke, too.

“Hey, how are you right now? Is there anything I can get you?” he asked, sleep pushing its way out of his voice.

Her eyes were glassy and puffy, and she felt them start to get wet again as the rush of emotions from last night hit her again. He sat up to meet her, holding her in his arms again, and she cried, completely incapable of saying anything. Her emotions were in the driver’s seat. And there was nothing she could do to control them. “I just…” she began with a shaky voice, “I just want… to forget… everything about last night. None of this… feels real.”

He pulled her in tighter, and she cried harder. He wanted to take all of her pain away. It was killing them both. “Nic, I’m here. I’m here for you. I can’t imagine what you’re feeling right now, and I wish I could take all the pain away. I’d do anything. Anything you need. I’ll always be here for you,” he said, stifling his own tears from falling.

“Conrad, I’m so sorry—” she began.

“ _Please_ ,” he interrupted. “ _Don’t_.”

“ _What would you have wanted to do?_ ” she asked quietly, lifting her eyes to meet his.

That question broke his heart. _What would you have wanted to do?_ He had no idea how to answer that. He didn’t have enough time to picture what their future would look like. His gaze held Nic’s, and she could see him breaking.

“Conrad,” she whispered, pulling him into her as he finally let his tears flow.

“I’m sorry, Nic,” he shuddered.

“Shh, shh, it’s okay,” she whispered, her warm breath on his neck. Tears stained her sheets as they both continued to cry, and the morning sun began to peer through her windows.

Nic felt achy—both in her physical body and in her emotional heart—as Conrad pulled away from her embrace. He looked cold, like he was bottling up all of his emotions. His eyes were distant. He felt the emptiness, too. Conrad and Nic were forever changed.


	2. Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a super short interlude-esque chapter to pass some time. Sorry for it being so short, but I will write a longer one for the final chapter!
> 
> I do not own these characters, and certain italicized text is quoted directly from The Resident.

Hours, days, weeks, months, years passed. And the pain was still there. Every time a child, a mother, or a family was brought into the hospital, Nic felt a clenching in her chest, reminding her of what she had lost. She and Conrad never discussed it after it happened, only bringing it up again when she broke up with him at the bar, keeping the reference brief. She still couldn’t make peace with it herself. At Devon’s wedding, when the topic of having children was brought up, she immediately stated that she didn’t want to try again. She was still in pain, and carrying that weight around without speaking of her miscarriage was easier concealed by claiming she didn’t want to have children again. The real reason was that she was scared. Scared to have to go through what she went through that awful night again. Scared that her body would fail her and Conrad again. Conrad was heartbroken at her words, but he understood her and gave her the space he thought she needed, while what she really needed was him. She needed to talk to him about it, but every time she thought about it, she remembered that startling emptiness she saw in his eyes the morning after one of the worst nights of her life. They both saw a future of a family together, but neither felt as though they could bring it up without unleashing a flood of pent-up emotion. As more time passed, the closer they both were to breaking.

~~~~

One afternoon, Nic received a page from Conrad to meet her in the PICU—the Barnett family was in again, and he knew he might need backup. She made her way quickly up to the PICU and saw Conrad with the two children. He was laughing and joking, making both them and Zoey smile. He was really fantastic with kids, and she had to take a moment to simply watch. She moved closer, Conrad’s eyes catching hers. He motioned for her to come to his side and meet the boys, and she did so, feeling warm and happy at how enthusiastic Conrad was with these kids. He was talking to Jasper, the younger of the two brothers, about his police hat. Conrad continued with his jokes and sweet little comments, smiling ten miles wide as he grabbed Jasper’s hat and put it on his own head.

Nic couldn’t help herself. She felt a soft breath escape her, and she bit her lip, hoping she wasn’t showing just how flustered and fluttery his actions were making her. She felt her ovaries nearly explode as she watched Conrad laugh and smile and transfer his infectious kindness and care to the kids, making them match his sentiment of pure happiness.

Conrad’s gaze met hers, and he saw that she was slightly blushing, biting her lip, and shuffling her feet. He was a little confused at her reaction, knowing something was getting to her, but his attention turned back to the boys. He hoped she would tell him later, but the busy day got the best of them, and that small act seemed to have been lost, forgotten in the sea of work they had. Nic was in part glad, because she didn’t know whether Conrad was ready to broach the topic of kids again since she shut it down at Devon’s wedding. Little did she know that he had never stopped thinking about it, and even more so after she made that confusing remark at the wedding.

~~~~

_“I want to talk about moving in, marriage, a family, all of it.”_ Nic’s words echoed in Conrad’s mind the day they made up after taking a break for the second time. It was the first step to push them towards having another conversation and bringing all of the emotion, pain, and uncertainty to the surface. They saw a future with each other, and her statement then showed him that what she said at Devon’s wedding wasn’t necessarily the full story. She took the risk of setting things in motion, but neither of them could predict how quickly their big conversation would have to take place.


	3. Perfect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here's the final chapter! Get ready for some CoNic fluff, happiness, and well-deserved smut ;)
> 
> This is set sometime after Conrad and Nic moved in together.
> 
> I don't own these characters.

“Hey, Nic, can I borrow you for a second? I know it’s near the end of your shift, but I kind of need you right now,” Jessica asked quietly as she saw Nic in the hallway of Chastain late one night.

“Sure thing, is everything alright?” Nic replied, slightly concerned at the way Jess asked her.

“Yes, but I was just wondering if you had any extra tampons… good ‘ole Aunt Flo decided to show up a week early. I blame it on the new nursing cohort I am helping lead… we’re all syncing up, and I am clearly not the alpha,” she giggled.

Nic laughed, “oh, I know what that’s like. I might have some in my bag. Walk with me?” she asked.

“Phew, you’re a real life-saver!” Jess exclaimed.

They entered the staff lounge, and Nic grabbed her bag from her locker, finding her little pouch where she kept her tampons and handing it to Jess.

“Thank you so much!” Jess said, relieved as she took a few tampons from Nic’s bag. She quickly disappeared into the bathroom as Nic was finishing up putting her things away and packing up, getting ready to go home to Conrad and take a nap for a few hours before coming right back in the morning. He was already home, probably sound asleep, but Nic’s shift ran late as the ED was busy yet horrifyingly under-staffed. On her drive home, her conversation with Jess made her begin thinking about the last time she actually had her period. It had been some time, but she probably couldn’t exactly remember because she was exhausted. When she got home, she immediately climbed into bed with Conrad, feeling him stirring slightly before he pulled her into his embrace, snuggling her as they both drifted off into sleep.

She woke up that morning after just a few short hours to the absence of Conrad next to her and the smell of breakfast. Usually, she was happy at the smell, but this particular morning, she thought she was going to hurl at the thought of food. This new feeling combined with her not remembering when she had her last period made her panic. It was too familiar. She rushed into the bathroom and locked herself inside.

 _Fuck_. That was her first thought. _Oh, fuck!_ That was her second. _Oh… FUCK!_ That was her third. And her fourth, fifth, sixth… She couldn’t form any other thoughts. _I am late,_ she finally thought, interrupting her pattern of “fucks.” _Oh God, I’m LATE_ , she thought again. She was standing in the bathroom of the house she and Conrad shared, running her hands through her hair nervously as she paced back and forth. _Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God…_ she repeated, starting to breath heavily. _How did I not notice this? Five whole weeks late?! God…_

She threw open the bottom drawer of the sink cupboard and reached haphazardly for a pregnancy test. Her period a few months ago was so unbelievably awful she couldn’t even move because she was cramping so bad, so Conrad went out and bought her tampons. She laughed so hard she cried when he came home with a box of pregnancy tests instead of tampons, but he went back out and bought tampons, trying to evade his embarrassment. He blamed it on the long shift, but Nic still found it utterly hilarious. The packaging did look strikingly similar, so coupled with extreme exhaustion, she could see how the mistake could be made. A smile flickered across her face remembering this, but she quickly returned to being nervous. She opened the package with shaky fingers and waited. _Two minutes_ , she thought. _Since when does two minutes feel like two hours?!_ She was nervously staring at her watch, looking at each second tick by. _5, 4, 3, 2, 1_. She counted down the final seconds in her mind. She immediately removed the stick and looked at the result.

 _FUCK!_ she almost screamed out loud. _Positive. It’s positive. How is this possible? This doesn't make sense. We’re always so careful…_ she thought. She started to feel herself panic. The world was blurring, and she was practically panting, trying to fill her lungs with air but she felt like she wasn’t getting enough. She set the test down on the counter and placed her hands out wide, trying to steady herself. This was an all-too-familiar feeling. She was immediately brought back to two years ago. Pain. Anxiety. Fear. She took another test, just to be sure. And it was positive still. _Fuck,_ she thought again.

“Hey Nic, everything okay in there?” Conrad asked, coming back upstairs and walking towards the bathroom door. _She’s been in there a while… I hope she’s alright. She has been a little bit off recently,_ he thought to himself, stopping walking just before he got to the door. He inched his face towards the door, and he heard her breathing hard. “Nic?” he asked again, worry rising in his voice.

“Uhh, yeah… everything is… uh… okay,” Nic replied, trying to conceal her panic and trying to catch her breath. _How can I tell him?!_ she thought. “I’m all good, Conrad, don’t worry…” she said again. _I guess we’re going to talk about this now. No more hiding,_ she thought. She took a deep breath and opened up the door, looking into Conrad’s worried eyes.

 _Woah, something is up,_ he thought to himself, looking back at Nic, her eyes containing a hint of panic. “Nic… you know you can talk to me about anything, right?” he said reassuringly.

“Of course,” she said, nervously shuffling her feet. _Fuck, I can’t do this. But he knows something is wrong_ , she thought. She was at war with herself.

 _Wow, there is seriously something wrong_ , he thought again, _did I leave something nasty in the fridge? Did I forget to take out the trash? No, this is something more._ He held her gaze, looking for more clues, but he couldn’t seem to figure this out. This was something deep. His worry grew exponentially by the second, and Nic couldn’t take it.

“Conrad…” she started. “I–– I’m––” she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Conrad stared back at her, more worried than ever. He wanted to make her feel better, but he just had no idea what was happening. “I’m… late. Really late,” she whispered, opening her eyes and feeling them start to fill with tears. She grabbed her positive test from the counter and held it out to Conrad.

His mind went blank. His whole world slowed. “Y-you’re… late?” he repeated. He looked down at the test and saw that it was positive. His heart skipped a beat as a flood of emotions rushed over him. “Oh–– oh my God… Nic… you’re–– does that mean––” he stammered, reaching out his hands to cup her face, feeling his eyes begin to water as well.

His hands were slightly shaky as she felt them on her face. She had tried to remain strong but saying it out loud made it feel so real. She shuddered, her breathing quickening again as she locked eyes with Conrad. She started crying, letting large tears roll down her face.

“Hey, hey, Nic… everything is okay. What’s wrong?” he said, stroking her face, rubbing his thumbs across her cheeks to wipe away the tears. They were both extremely nervous, cautious, and uncertain about where they were, emotionally speaking, on the matter of trying to have kids again.

“I–– I’m so sorry, Conrad…” she whispered through tears.

“Nic? Why are you sorry?” he asked, concern growing again.

“Conrad… I don’t–– I’m not–– I don’t want to let you down. Again,” she breathed, feeling another flood of tears.

“Nic… what are you talking about? Let me down? You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You are my love, my life, my world. You mean everything to me,” he replied, his voice and heart breaking at her words. “You could never let me down, do you understand? You didn’t let me down then, and you won’t let me down now or ever.”

Nic melted. “I’m… I’m scared, Conrad,” she added, wrapping her arms around his waist, pulling him into her as she let her tears flow.

“Nic… we are in this together,” he replied, kissing her hair and stroking her back as she cried into him.

“I–– I’m so sorry. What if–– what if it happens again?” she whimpered, squeezing him into her.

“Hey, we can’t think like that. Everything is going to be okay. I am here for you regardless. And whatever happens, it’s not your fault. I love you so much. You are the strongest person I know. If anybody can do this, it’s you,” he whispered, kissing her forehead lightly. “And I’m here. Right here. Forever.”

Nic sniffled as she felt her tears start to slow. “Conrad…” she replied, her voice shaky, “thank you.” She rested her forehead against his, and she took a deep breath as she settled into his love.

Conrad moved his hands from around her shoulders down to her hips and slowly slid one of them to her stomach. His touch was so familiar, and she remembered his same action from two years ago. She shuddered slightly, but she felt warm as he started tracing light circles with his thumb over her shirt. This time, it was different from two years ago. They had matured and grown. That growth and love was reflected in his touch. She didn’t feel empty. He didn’t feel empty. They both wanted this.

She smiled, tilting his head up with her hand to meet her eyes. He smiled back, then dropped his gaze down to his hand on her stomach again. She placed her hand over his, never removing her eyes from him. She then pressed her lips to his in a soft and sweet kiss. She reached both of her arms around his neck, pulling him in closer and running her fingers through his hair. He moved his hands to grab her waist and pull her into him, too, walking her backwards until her back was against the sink. She moaned into him as she slammed into the countertop and she crashed her lips hard onto his. He groaned in response, both of their breathing increasing as they got lost in each other. Conrad lifted Nic so she was sitting up on the counter. She clawed at him, trying to get him as close as possible to her.

“Nic…” he growled. “You know that I always want you… but I just want to make sure that this isn’t just you trying to push away your feelings,” he said through heavy breathing. “This is a big deal. And I want you to know that I am here. I want you to talk to me. I want you to feel like you can count on me. Lean on me. I love you,” he finished, locking eyes with her, trying to bring her back to this moment.

“Conrad–– I don’t know what to say. This is so unexpected, and I wasn’t even sure that I wanted to try to have children again after what happened with losing our first baby. But this––my God––I feel like we can do this. It will be different this time. I want this, and I want it with you,” she said in a low voice, stroking his hair.

“You’re incredible,” he whispered. “I want this, too. Damn, I do.” Nic slipped her hands into his, interlacing their fingers. Conrad bent down so his face was level with her stomach, and he gave her the sweetest kiss. She moved her hands to his hair as she gently ran her fingers through it. She looked down at him and felt so much love. _He really has changed_ , she thought.

Her sweet thoughts, though, were rapidly interrupted by a terrible wave of nausea that began seeping into her. She started to breathe a little heaver and her face went pale, and Conrad noticed.

“Hey,” he began, standing up to meet her face-level again and running his hand through her hair and down her face. “Are you okay?” he asked, feeling the familiarity of the situation bring up past emotions of fear. But this was different again. She wasn’t trying to hide.

“I think I’m going to be––” she started before being cut off by her body retching. She jumped off the counter and leaned over the toilet. Conrad quickly grabbed her hair and stroked her back as she threw up.

When she was sure that her nausea had finally subsided, she allowed herself to lean back against him. She was catching her breath and trying to keep her world from spinning. He held her close as her breathing evened out, continuing to draw little circles with his fingers around her arms. She turned around to face him, looking into his eyes so seriously. “Are you sure you’re ready to be with me through all this?” she asked, her tone sobering.

“Of course, Nic. I love you––all of you. You’re my world––the most amazing woman on this earth. I wouldn’t want this any other way. Morning sickness, mood swings, weird cravings, and absolutely everything, I am going to be right here with you every step of the way. You’re stuck with me––I’m not going anywhere,” he replied, his heart breaking at the thought that she could imagine him leaving her over this.

“Conrad, that is just what I needed to hear,” she replied, releasing a breath of relief. “This is not going to be easy…” she began.

“True, but amazing things rarely come easily,” he replied. “Just look at our relationship” he said chuckling, continuing to rub her back.

She smiled at him, and looking into his loving eyes, she felt like this would be okay. Certainly, she was scared––terrified even––of this, but she knew that if she were to go through this with anyone, she was certain that it would have to be with Conrad. She thought that she was conflicted about her feelings for having children since she was so devastated at the miscarriage a couple years ago, but in this moment, she was certain. They were going to make this work. They wanted this.

Conrad could tell she was lost in thought, but he hoped he made his feelings clear. He was so unbelievably in love with Nic, and the thought that they were able to love each other so much they could create life was beyond remarkable. As he watched her brain run wild with thoughts he couldn’t hear, he thought back to his time with Nic and how hard they fought for their happiness. They both came from very broken families, and they found real, raw, authentic love in each other. He couldn’t possibly imagine that with any other person he has met in his life. The love they shared was unique and it was something that neither of them could live without. They sat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes, each thinking and reflecting on their journeys that brought them here––sitting on a bathroom floor in the house they shared, holding each other, and sharing the creation of a new life.

Nic was the first to break the silence, “Conrad, I love you so much,” she remarked.

“I love you, too, Nic,” he replied. “Now, let’s get you cleaned up,” he said, chuckling as he got himself up off the floor. He reached his hand down to help Nic up, but she was already making her way up. “Ah, my stubborn Nic is back,” he said smiling as she struggled her way up, rejecting his help.

She rolled her eyes at him and smiled. She knew he was going to be very protective, but she wanted him to know that she could still take care of herself. “Conrad, I know that this is huge, but I think we can keep everything as it was normally. I can still work and do all the things I usually do,” she said, meeting his eyes.

“I know that, Nic,” he began. “You’re practically superwoman, but needing or asking for help is not weakness, especially from me. I don’t want you stressed out or trying to take the weight of the whole world on your shoulders ever, but especially now. I know that I can be overprotective sometimes, so please just call me on it. I’m just trying to do what I think is best, but I need you to communicate what you need. God, I just–– I love you so much,” he said, sliding his hand around the small of her back and drawing her in close.

She smiled back. “Of course. Thank you, Conrad. I love you, too,” she added.

He kissed her forehead before turning around and starting to run the water for her. She rinsed out her mouth and brushed her teeth twice, trying to rid the taste of bile from her mouth. Conrad started to get changed, and Nic watched him from the bathroom mirror. He removed his shirt and pants, leaving him standing in the middle of their bedroom in just his tight black boxers. Nic bit her lip as she watched him. _Fuck, I am so horny right now,_ she thought. Her mind went places that her body craved going, and as she rinsed out her mouth for the final time, she spun around and rushed towards him. She couldn’t stop herself. His back was to her, but when she pounced on him, attacking him with kisses around his neck and jaw, he turned around to face her.

“Nic…?” he asked, slightly confused but also feeling really turned on by what she was doing.

“Shut up and kiss me, Conrad,” she demanded, diving her fingers into his hair. “I need you right now.”

He raised his eyebrows, still slightly confused by her actions, but he gave in. He grabbed her tight, pulling her into him as she continued kissing him wildly. His mind was becoming foggy with desire as she moaned into his lips. She needed more of him. She felt like her life depended on it. Her breathing quickened as their tongues danced together. Her hands wandered his body, settling on the front of his chest as she pushed him onto the bed.

“Woah, Nic,” he growled. “Are you sure––” he began before Nic cut him off. She climbed on top of him, straddling him as he propped himself up. His eyes were filled with a mixture of concern, love, and lust. She was momentarily lost in that storm before she brought her face inches from his, their noses touching.

“Yes. I’m sure. I need you,” she replied before crashing her lips onto his again, sending him completely horizontal on the bed. He was breathing hard as his hands gripped her hips, pulling her down onto him. He groaned at the feeling, but they both needed more.

“Conrad…” she began, passion and desire rising inside her.

“Nic…” he replied huskily.

“Make love to me, Conrad,” she whispered, grinding into him as his hands gripped her tighter.

He groaned again, also wanting so desperately to be inside of her. “Nic…” he started, managing only one word between his groans.

“Conrad. I know what I want. I need you. Right now,” she panted.

“God, I need you, too,” he replied as he exhaled. He reached around Nic’s back and sat both of them up. She threw her arms around his neck as their kisses deepened. His hands slid down to the hem of her shirt and he started pulling it off. She lifted her arms and removed her lips from his for a split second, but as soon as her shirt was on the floor, she pushed him back down onto the bed.

He flipped them over so he was on top, never breaking their kiss. She writhed under him, needing him soon. He also needed release, as the way she was kissing him was bringing him ever closer to breaking. She removed her hands from him and slid her shorts down, along with her panties, kicking them fully off. She was laying there, breathing heavy, eyes dark with lust, lips swollen from kisses, and here Conrad knew she was the most beautiful creature on this earth. He brought his face down to hers, kissing all around her jaw, neck, and collarbones. She moaned, clawing at his back and running her nails up and down his toned shoulders. She still needed more.

He felt his control and grip on reality beginning to slip away as he started grinding into her. The fabric of his boxers, his hardness, and her wetness made them both moan. He paused before continuing, and Nic whimpered.

“Everything okay?” she panted, looking at him concerned.

“Yes, yeah,” he replied, looking back down at her. “It’s just–– wow,” he whispered.

Nic’s eyes softened. “I know,” she replied as her hands started mussing his hair again.

"Fuck, Nic," he growled, his eyes rolled back into his head from the feeling of her hands on him. “Okay, are you ready?” he asked, using all of his strength and will to bring himself back fully to reality to make sure she was truly ready for this.

“Yes,” she responded, reaching her hands up to cup his face. “I am so ready. You are all I need, Conrad Hawkins,” she added, her voice confident and certain.

He smiled at her and resumed kissing passionately. Their breathing quickened again, their hearts racing. Nic slid her hands down between them, and she found the waistband of Conrad’s boxers. She brushed her hands across the front of his package, causing him to groan at her touch. She hooked her fingers around his waistband and pulled the tight black fabric off. He was freed from his constraints, but he didn’t remain exposed for long. He knew he needed to get inside of her quickly, otherwise they would have quite the mess to deal with.

She sensed his urgency and readied herself for him. He guided himself into her and they both sighed out of relief. Nic’s eyes fluttered closed when she felt him inside of her and her breath hitched. They both started moaning into each other as Conrad began his tempo. He started out slow, but Nic wrapped her legs around him, wanting him to go faster. He began to speed up at her request as she started to whimper. She threw her head back, gripping onto his forearms tightly, and cried out as her entire body tensed. She was close to breaking, and so was Conrad. His brain was shutting down in response to her, and he thrust harder and deeper. His groans loudened, and he knew that he was close. Nic squeezed her eyes shut as she clamped down hard on him, her body effectively milking his dick. He thrust one more time and she caved. She gasped, arching hard off the bed, clawing at his arms. Her orgasm crashed hard on her, finally providing her with some relief. Just moments later, Conrad came. Every muscle in his body tensed, his breathing was ragged, his groans and growls matched the growing pressure inside of him, and he pounded into her once more before his body gave out. He collapsed on top of her as they both worked on catching their breath. When he started coming back to reality, he moved off of her so she could adequately breathe. She rolled on top of him as his fingers ran back into her hair. They were still breathing hard, trying to fully return to earth when Nic subconsciously glanced at her watch.

“Oh shit,” she breathed.

“You okay?” he asked, still very much out of breath.

“We’re not going to make it to Chastain on time,” she replied, meeting his eyes with hers.

Neither of them were moving to change that, however. Conrad looked at his watch, seeing they had twenty minutes to get dressed and get to the hospital. It was a seven-minute drive to Chastain, and they only needed a couple minutes to get changed. Nic studied Conrad as he ran through the calculations. She knew what he was thinking, and she liked it.

“We’ve got plenty of time,” Conrad replied, his voice still deep with desire.

“Then let’s not waste it,” Nic responded, climbing off him and beginning to walk into the bathroom. He watched as her lean, naked figure entered the bathroom. “You coming?” she asked, leaning against the doorframe and looking back at him.

He smirked and jumped out of bed, and he was quickly at her side again. She giggled as he scooped her up, and she wrapped her legs around him. She started kissing him passionately again as he walked them into the shower. They turned on the water and were instantly all over each other again. They washed each other, savoring their touch, and they had time for a little fun as well. They dried each other off, kissing down all over their bodies.

“Mmh, Conrad…” Nic moaned as Conrad sucked on her neck. “We’re really going to be late now…”

“Eh, we can make it,” he replied, moaning back, capturing her lips with his. They continued kissing, stepping out of the bathroom in their towels. “Blue shirt?” he asked between kisses.

“Mm, yes please,” she replied, running her fingers through his wet hair.

He grabbed her t-shirt from where she put it earlier that morning on the bedside table, as she quickly grabbed a bra. She dressed quickly, dropping her towel and replacing it with her bra and shirt. She grabbed her underwear as well, stepping into them as Conrad’s hands were tangled in her hair. She stood back up, now half-dressed, and kissed him hard. She snagged a pair of jeans from the closet and threw them on quickly, returning to kissing in no time. Conrad opened the nearby drawer and grabbed a pair of boxers. He pulled them on, then quickly returned to Nic, sliding his hands around her waist and drawing her closer in. He was focused on her and she was on him, too, but she also knew they both had to get out the door soon or they would be late.

“Shirt and pants, please,” she whispered, giggling lightly.

“Hm, funny, that’s not what you were saying a few minutes ago,” he growled.

“Conrad––” she began before he crashed his lips onto hers. “We’re going to be late. We have five minutes.”

He pulled away from her, looked at his watch, and saw there were still eight minutes. “Hey, we have eight, not five. That means I still have sixty more seconds,” he replied, yanking her onto him.

She moaned as his hands wandered her body. He walked her backwards and pressed her against the wall. They pulled at each other, Nic running her hands down Conrad’s toned body and Conrad sliding his hands around Nic’s waist. He lifted her arms up above her head as he kissed her hard. She was already feeling extremely turned on again, but when he pinned her against the wall like that, she was sent over the edge. Before things got too hot again though, Conrad pulled away, using all of his willpower to do so.

“God… Nic,” he started. “You… are absolutely… incredible,” he said between heaving breaths as he rested his forearms against the wall beside her head, locking her in.

“Conrad…” she began, trying to catch her breath again. “I love you… and I love this new chapter we are starting.”

“I love you, Nic,” he replied, grabbing his jeans and a t-shirt and quickly throwing them on. He worked on zipping up his jeans, stuffing himself inside as she smiled, taking a deep breath. He looked down at his watch and grimaced, looking back up at her.

“Do I even want to know?” she asked.

“Nope,” he replied, grabbing her hand and rushing her down the stairs. He put the food he made earlier that morning into containers they could take with them, and she grabbed their bags. They sped out of their house and jumped into Nic’s car. She drove wickedly fast to the hospital, getting lucky with traffic and lights, and speeding just a little.

She pulled into a parking spot at the hospital, asking “how did we do?”

“One minute to spare,” he replied, leaning over to kiss her. They drank each other in when they pulled apart, stepping out of the car and walking into Chastain hand-in-hand. “Take it easy today, okay? If you’re tired or nauseous or not feeling well in any way, just text me and we can get another nurse to cover for you,” he said, kissing her hand as they entered the staff lounge.

“Okay, I will,” she replied. “Hey Conrad?” she began.

“Yes?” he responded.

“I love you. So much,” she whispered.

He smiled and kissed her quickly. “I love you, too. So much, Nic.”

Their day passed without a hitch—patients were fine, no unnecessary Logan Kim drama, and they got to work together nearly the whole time. Time passed quickly, and before they knew it, they were signing out, handing off their patients to the night shift teams, and heading back home.

Nic noticed at some point throughout the day that she was actually starting to show a bit, her tall, lean frame drawing attention to her slightly growing abdomen. As they entered their house, Nic immediately walked into their bathroom, looking at herself in the mirror. She grabbed the hem of her t-shirt and lifted it over her head. She looked down at her stomach and noticed her small bump. She rubbed her hands around her whole abdomen, caressing the little beginnings of her pregnancy. She turned to the side and looked at her profile in the mirror. She tilted her head and continued rubbing her hands over her stomach, examining herself and her changing body.

Conrad followed her, and he began watching her from the doorway, completely mesmerized. He knew that she was lost in thought, but he couldn't help himself. He soon moved himself towards her, meeting her from behind and pressing his body against hers.

“Oh my God, Nic,” he whispered, running his hands over her, lingering around her stomach. He rested his chin on her shoulder and kissed her jaw as he gently circled her small bump with his fingers. “You are breathtaking,” he said into her neck.

“Conrad,” she whispered back. “I still can’t believe this. We’re having a baby–– oh my God. It feels so real now,” she added, leaning her head back onto his shoulder as he kissed more of her exposed neck.

“Nic, you… wow,” he stammered. “You’re absolutely beautiful.”

“I love you,” she replied, turning around so she was facing him.

“I love you, too,” he said, pulling her into him.

She wrapped her arms around his neck and fully closed the space between them. She pressed her lips to his, feeling his love radiating from his body as his arms tightened around her. Electricity shot down her legs and arms, and he felt her react to him, so he smiled lightly into her lips as she kissed him harder in response. He pulled away slowly, looking into her eyes, both of them basking in their love for each other. He bent down so his face was level with her bellybutton, and he placed his hands on her stomach. She placed her hands on top of his as he started placing featherlike kisses all around her stomach. She melted at his gesture.

“Mmh, Conrad,” she whispered, feeling herself start to tremble.

He stood up to meet her eyes, and be brushed her hair out of her face, holding her head in his hands. “Are you okay, Nic?” he asked gently.

“I’m doing amazing. You are perfect,” she whispered.

“I couldn’t be happier,” he replied.

“We should probably schedule some appointments to make sure everything is alright and the baby is healthy,” she said, her fingers running lightly through his hair.

“You’re right, that sounds like a great idea. But is it okay if for now we just enjoy this moment?” he replied, sliding his hands down her arms and interlacing their fingers. “We couldn’t have this last time, and I have been wishing we had even a few more minutes these past two years. I wish I could have been there for you better than I was. I wish I could have talked and listened to you. I wish I could have told you that I would have done anything for you and our baby when you asked me what I would have wanted to do. I wanted to do anything. You were then, are now, and always will be the love of my life. We didn’t just lose our baby that day, I also pushed you away. I was hurting more than I thought possible, and I didn’t know how to deal with it. The worst part was that I saw you hurting so much, and I felt like I could do absolutely nothing. I was completely powerless, so I bottled it up and hid it away, never wanting to feel that way again. Little did I know that I was hurting _you_ so much more. I am far from perfect, but I am trying to be better. Because you deserve the world, Nic, and you give me the world. You are my person, forever and always, and our family is my miracle. Neither of us had it easy growing up in broken families, but you are the most caring, compassionate, and brilliant person I have ever met, and you are going to be an amazing mother. I love you, Nicolette Marie Nevin, and I am all in.”

“Conrad, I don’t know what to say,” she whispered, her eyes glassy with tears. These were not tears of sadness or fear or anxiety. Rather, these were tears of happiness. “We both carried so much pain from losing our first child together, but we both grew so much from it. Conrad from two years ago would never be able to open up to me the way you just did. Our family is my miracle, too. I love you, Conrad Hawkins, more than I ever thought I could love anybody. Our first ultrasound, hearing our baby’s heartbeat, finding out the sex, and all the milestones in the future are all going to be so exciting, but this, right here, this night, standing here with you, is something I will never forget. This is our family,” she said, guiding his hand to her stomach, resting it on top of her warm skin as she placed hers atop his. “And _this_ is perfect.”


End file.
